Once upon a time there was a young woman whose life had been turned upside down. She was depressed, and tired. The trip to living on the streets was hard but not as hard a the four extremely long days in the park. She didn’t sleep because she was afraid someone might hurt her. Even though she prayed for the strength enough to kill herself quickly she was terrified someone might do horrible, unspeakable things and leave her broken and still alive. That was her worst fear..a horror that she couldn’t get rid of.
The first two nights she prayed to God she could sleep and never awaken. But there was no sleep for her. On the fifth day a stranger walked up to her. The stranger handed her a card for Catholic Charities. Please go there and they will help you. But the young women said, I am not Catholic. The woman chuckled and said it didn’t matter.
After much consideration the young woman walked downtown to the address on the card. The woman behind a desk asked how they could help. The young woman said, first I need a shower, some food to eat and then a job. The woman actually laughed. The young woman became angry. She got up from the chair. She started to walk out. The woman quickly apologized and said your priorities are a little backward. How about we find you a warm place to sleep, eat and shower? You could sleep and then worry about a job.
That young woman was me. I had a daughter. She was with my grandparents but I could not get housing in the shelter without her being with me. God, I hated my precious little girl being subjected to the shelter. She didn’t deserve to suffer because of my sins.
As it turned out we stayed in the emergency housing for four weeks and then we were allowed to live upstairs (the top floor). Transitional Housing Program was the next step toward safety. We lived there 18 months. First, I quit drinking, then I got therapy & medication for my depression. My daughter kept going to the same school she was in before we became homeless. I got training and found a job. In the program I was required to pay rent based on my income. It was good. At the beginning of our stay there I had to come up with a plan, have it approved by my housing counselor and sign a contract. There were many things we were required to do while there. It was a great program. When we got ready to move out I got a huge surprise! I was handed a check for 2/3 of the amount of rent I had paid to the program for rent.
I have never been homeless again. That is not to say I didn’t come close to being homeless again. I have been diagnosed as a person who has BiPolar Affect Disorder. I still feel depressed regularly and I have attempted to kill myself several times. That is up until 2004, when, I was on a 72 hour hold in the psychiatric hospital. The CNA who watched my every move and recorded them said to me, “My mother committed suicide and my life has never been the same. I was angry, guilty and have never reconciled that she left me. It still hurts bad. Sitting here watching you I remember about how abandoned I feel.” Well that did it! I made a deal with God that I would not try to kill myself ever again. I still feel suicidal sometimes but I remember what that young CNA shared with me.
This article I read on my Facebook page reminded me. I have never said thank you to all of the people who helped me over the years. I am not even sure my family knows just how much I love them and how grateful I am for their presence in my life..even though we live hundreds of miles apart.
Sometimes I get so busy in my live and I forget to look back and remember. I am not saying the past should rule decisions I make today. I just want to remember not to make the same mistakes. Today, I want to be the woman who helps others.
Filed under: My Thoughts Tagged: Homeless, Homelessness, Poverty, United States, Woman
